Whoops! Forget what I said.

I still think there are more fair-weather fans in St. Louis than not, but I will no longer blame you for protesting the Rams the rest of the season. They are absolutely unwatchable.

Keep Blaming Holliday

Whatever you do, blame Matt Holliday for last night's Cardinals heart-breaking loss to the Dodgers. It was all his fault.

DO NOT BLAME TONY LARUSSA for taking out Adam Wainwright. Of course you take out your 19 win, Cy Young candidate stud pitcher who was stifling the Dodgers for 8 straight innings. I mean, he had thrown 109 pitches. You have to take him out of that game. I mean, it's waaaaaaaay more important to save him for the rest of the playoffs. You know, assuming you are even part of the rest of the playoffs. It's only a pivotal game 2 where you can even the series up rather than go down 0-2, which is a very hard hole to get out of (that's what she said). Why would you leave him in? You've got Ryan Franklin. He's an All-Star. Sure he's been so bad lately that they gave him a week off at the end of the season to collect himself. But it's the playoffs. No way he could continue to be mediocre. And again, it was Adam Wainwright. He'd only gone 8 innings and allowed 4 baserunners. Why would you roll him out there for the 9th? Clearly he'd lost his stuff. They call him Tony LaGenius for a reason. For making brilliant decisions like "take out arguably the best pitcher on your team when he has his most dominating stuff and turn it over to your bullpen which has been very, very shaky for the last month". That's what great managers do. So please, don't blame Tony LaRussa.

Blame Matt Holliday. He lost that game for you.

DO NOT BLAME RYAN FRANKLIN. He did his job. He got the potential last out of the game to hit an easily catchable ball to his All-Star left fielder. That's all you can ask. You can't blame him for the fact that he then walked the next guy. Then gave up a game-tying hit. Then threw a pitch past Molina, allowing the runners to move up to 2nd and 3rd. Then walked another guy. Then gave up another hit to lose the game. You can't blame him for that. Did anyone score on Holliday's error? No. But Franklin would never have had to walk a guy, give up a hit, throw a passed ball, walk another guy, and give up another hit had Holliday made that catch. Again, do not, whatever you do, hold Ryan Franklin responsible for this loss. All you can ask for out of your All-Star closer is for him to strike no one out and allow the other team to put every ball in the air rather than on the ground. That's what great closers do. They get rattled, don't strike people out, and give up line drives rather than ground balls. Ryan Franklin is a great closer. This loss isn't his fault.

Blame Matt Holliday. He lost that game for you.

DO NOT BLAME YADIER MOLINA. He's an All-Star catcher. He's one of the best in the game. So what if he gave up a terrible passed ball that allowed runners to move up to 2nd and 3rd, meaning that any blooper, Texas Leaguer, or seeing-eye single would score the winning run rather than give the outfielders a chance to make a throw to the plate. He does cool snap throws down to first that look awesome, so you can't blame him for that passed ball.

Blame Matt Holliday. He lost that game for you.

I'm a Cubs fan. In 2003 something similar happened to me. His name was Steve Bartman. He lost us the game and series against the Marlins, and a shot at going to our first World Series in a very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very long time ('45). Could I have blamed Moises Alou for not screaming at the top of his lungs, "I GOT IT!" in a effort to back the fans off? Nope, not his fault. Could I have blamed Alex Gonzalez for screwing up a routine ground ball and potential double play to end the inning? Nope, not his fault. Could I have blamed Mark Prior for his ensuing walk, and giving up a double to Derek Lee after the Gonzalez error? Nope, not his fault. Could I have blamed Kyle Farnsworth for relieving Prior and then crapping his pants on national television? Nope, not his fault. Could I have blamed Kerry Wood and the rest of the roster for not coming back strong in game 7 to win the series? Nope, not their fault.

Clearly it was Steve Bartman's fault.

Just like last night was Matt Holliday's fault.

And I'm obviously right, since the "best fans in baseball" keep telling me that it was Holliday's fault and no one else's.

St. Louis (Cardinal Fans), you are a joke.

The Greatest (Fair Weather) Fans in the World

St. Louis, filled with a million or so great sports fans. Well, great fans as long as their team is doing well. Just ask the Rams. Greatest Show of Turf? Sellouts every week. Going through a couple rough years? Forget it. No way we're supporting the team. And I get it, in theory. You don't like what the organization is doing, you stop buying tickets, because they then have to put a better product on the field to win the fans back. It does make sense. But here in St. Louis, that's not why fans do it. They aren't making a statement. They aren't trying to change things. They are simply fair weather fans. They "Bleed Blue". As long as the team is doing well. They wear "Bruce" and "Holt" jerseys. As long as the team is doing well. Even the Cardinals, the signature franchise of the city, suffers from fair weather fans, only coming out to the ballpark when the team is in the thick of the race. Because the couple years that they haven't been, attendance takes a bath the second half of the season. Seats go empty.

Being a fan is more than just cheering for the team when they are winning. It's about supporting that franchise even when times are tough.

Believe me, I know. I had Bulls season tickets AFTER Jordan retired (for the second time). I used to go to Cubs games even when the team wasn't doing well (which just happens to be for the entire time I've been alive).

What high school did you go to?

I went to Go Fuck Yourself High.

That's the response I want to give to every single native St. Louisan who asks me this question.

Should I be that annoyed by the question? Probably not. But I am. And I think it's for two reasons:

1) St. Louisans take a ton of pride in asking and answering the question, like it's what makes St. Louis "unique". Like asking and answering the question is some secret handshake. Guess what? I don't want to learn the handshake. Nobody does. Except for you douche bags, of course.

2) Basically when you're asking the question all you're really asking is, "How rich are you and your family?"

See, in most cities when you meet someone new the conversation goes something like this:

A: Hey, I'm A. Nice to meet you.
B: I'm B. Nice to meet you.
A: You from around here?
B: Yeah, I grew up in Suburb X/Part of City Y.
A: No kidding? I grew up in Suburb Z/Part of City W.
B: That's cool.

And that's pretty much it. But here the conversation goes something like this:

A: Hey, I'm A. Nice to meet you.
B: I'm B. Nice to meet you.
A: Where did you go to high school?
B: I went to High School X.
A: I went to High School Y.

Then they stand there judging each other.

Why do they ask the question? No one really seems to have much of an answer for that, so this is my best guess:

A lot of people here seem to go to private school. So the question is really, "Could your family afford to send you to private school? And if so, how much of a private school were they able to afford?" Really the question is a status thing. You're trying to find out either a) you could afford a private school, and thus your family probably has money, or b) you went to public school (poor) but now I'll know what part of the city you grew up in so I'll know just how poor you are (in theory).

That's my best guess. Every time I ask someone here why they ask the question they just kind of hem and haw and say "It's a St. Louis thing." I think they do this because they are embarrassed of the real answer, which is, "We're a very segregated city, both by race and class. We know what race you are by looking at you (unless you're Asian, in which case we just assume you're Chinese), so the high school question helps us figure out what social class you are."

And yes, I understand to some extent that in other cities when you ask a question like "what part of the city are you from" you use that information to start filling in some holes and making judgements about people, but the "high school" question seems more blatant, and thus, more annoying. I think with the "part of town" question you tend to make less assumptions, and less judgements, because the answer doesn't really tell you much other than what part of town you grew up in.

Maybe I'm wrong about the whole "high school" thing. I'd love someone to give me a halfway decent explanation.


But until I get one,

St. Louis, You Are a Joke

I couldn't have said it better myself

I enjoyed reading this. Maybe you will to. Or maybe you won't.

http://deadspin.com/5317029/why-your-stadium-sucks-busch-stadium?skyline=true&s=x

Choo Choo

You know, a lot of cities have tons of stuff to distract your kid so you can check your text messages and emails on your phone. Zoos, children museums, aquariums, parks and playgrounds, you get the idea. But today I took my son to a whole new level of distraction and amazement: The Transportation Museum.

To call it The Transportation Museum is a bit misleading, as it only has a couple cars, no real trucks, and only two planes and boat that I could find. So it's not so much a Transportation Museum as it is a Train Museum.

And you know what? I'm OK with that. Because there are a lot of them. Enough that my zero-attention span son and I walked around for over an hour and were entertained the entire time. Nothing entertains a two-year-old boy like huge train engines.

So thank you, Transportation Museum, for making my day a little easier.

St. Louis, You Are A Joke (except when it comes to The Transportation Museum)

Lookin' Good, St. Louis

I was driving around this past week, and I noticed something. I really like the architecture of St. Louis. And I'm not talking about all the amazing, jaw-dropping skyscrapers downtown (obviously), I'm talking about the houses. The residential living. The places where the people of St. Louis hang up their coats after a long day.

There are so many different styles of architecture throughout the city that it's almost like a mini-timeline of St. Louis. You've got Soulard with it's French Quarter style (if that's even a style), South City with it's little bungalows, Webster with it's turn-of-the-century prairie and victorian homes, U City with it's classic brick structures, the CWE with it's mansions, plus areas like Benton Park and Tower Grove that have a unique style of their own.

Again, I realize this probably sounds extremely gay (not that there's anything wrong with that), but there's something about all the different styles around the city that I really do appreciate.

St. Louis, you are a joke (except when it comes to the different styles of architecture for homes throughout the city).



(NOTE: I know nothing about architecture, so take everything I say here with a grain of salt, as I probably sound like an idiot, but so be it).

Your Pizza Sucks

Sorry to break it to you, but your pizza is terrible. And yes, I'm specifically talking about "St. Louis Style" Pizza.

There are no redeeming qualities about it, other than the fact that you can eat like 6 largess and not get filled up. Actually, what am I saying, that's not a good thing either. I'm all for eating a large pizza to get stuffed, but I shouldn't have to eat six of them to get stuffed.

So St. Louis Style pizza has no redeeming qualities.

It's too thin, and provel sucks. And I mean sucks.

And I get it, most of you grew up here, and you're proud of and support anything "st. louis style". New York people are the same way. Chicago people are the same way. In fact, all people from all places are the same way. They support their town and the things from it. But let's be clear, your pizza is not good, and quite frankly, not really worth supporting.

Whenever someone says, "I like/love St. Louis Style pizza", I always want them to do a blind taste test of different styles of pizza, just to prove that St. Louis style would be like the 5th favorite out of 5.

So, in conclusion: I'm glad you guys have something unique to St. Louis, and I'm glad you're proud of it. But mostly I'm glad it sucks and you're proud of it, because that's pretty much par for the course here.

St. Louis (pizza), you are a joke.

Double D's and Double Downs

I actually thought of something else I happen to enjoy about St. Louis (though my wife would disagree on this topic): The Boats and Booby Joints.

It's nice having Casinos that are easy to get to, so whenever I get a burr in my side, or extra bills in my pocket, I can go and satisfy my gambling fix. It's one of those things that doesn't happen that often (depending what your definition of "often" is), but I appreciate the fact that I can do it whenever needed. And a couple of the casinos are even decently nice, so you don't feel as bad when you go.

And the fact that you can drive across the river and see women who hate clothes is just an added bonus.

St. Louis, You Are A Joke (Except when it comes to questionable morales. They are right on par with my questionable morales. And I like that.)

FoPo

I was a journalism major in college, and I'm pretty sure I was awake at some point during one of my classes, and if I remember correctly some old guy said something about "fair and balanced" reporting. Well, I'm no reporter. But, I still feel like I should make somewhat of an effort to point out a few of the good things about St. Louis.

So I'm going to do just that. I'm sure they won't happen very often (I put the over/under at 5), but this way you'll know I'm not just a 100% bitter dbag who just hates on St. Louis. I'm a 98% bitter dbag who just mostly hates on St. Louis.

Anywho, one of the things I do love about St. Louis is Forest Park. It's a huge park (second biggest in the country next to Central Park) with a ton to do. Golf, biking, running, the Zoo (which my son can't get enough of), the art museum (never been), history museum (never been), and apparently the motor of the original Ferris Wheel buried somewhere in the park. And the restoration they did a couple years ago to most of the park really did revitalize it. It is a truly beautiful park that I never get tired of and always enjoy spending time at. A lot of cities don't have anything like Forest Park, and if they do it doesn't quite compare (I'm looking at you Lincoln Park and Grant Park in Chicago (though playing 16" softball in Grant Park with the city in the background is pretty amazing)), so you really should be proud of it.

So there you go, I like Forest Park and I'm man enough to admit it.

St. Louis, You Are A Joke (just not when it comes to Forest Park)

Ballpark Village

I don't actually have to say anything more than that. It's all been said before.

St. Louis, You Are A Joke

In Honor of Joey Chestnut

I noticed something last weekend when I went to the Cards game at The Lolita. It's something I hadn't ever noticed before in the games I've attended. I even asked several real fans who either attend several games a year or have season tickets to confirm whether or not my observation was true. And by all accounts, it is.

There are no hot dog vendors at The Lolita. And when I say "vendor" I mean the guys who walk around and bring stuff to you, not that stands in the concourse.

How is this possible? Am I just sitting in all the wrong sections? Hot dogs are what ballgames are all about, and the fact that I have to leave my seat to get one is ridiculous. Going to a game means sitting in your seat, cheering on your team (or the other team, in my case), and buying beer and hot dogs from the vendors walking around. But in St. Louis you can't do that.

And you call yourself a baseball town.

St. Louis, You Are A Joke

The Lolita ATMs

How do you build a brand new, "state-of-the-art" stadium in this day and age and only have 6 ATMs in the entire joint? I don't get it. You're at a ballgame. Everything there costs money. Yet there are only 6 locations where you can actually obtain this money.

And I know what you're going to say: "Hey dummy, you can use your ATM card at the vendor stands." True, but the problem is I don't want to have to walk away from my seat and go out to the concourse to get a beer or hot dog or ice cream sandwich. The Beer Guy doesn't take an ATM card, he takes cash.

I was at the game on Saturday and had to walk past 17 sections to get to the nearest ATM. And because it's one of only three on the main concourse I had to wait in an abysmal line, watching people stumble and fumble their way through the ATM process. (Quick tangent: ATMs have been around forever. How do they still confuse and baffle people? Honestly, people take 2-3 minutes for something that should take no more than 60 seconds. And it's like that everywhere. It really amazes me. It's like if people took 90 seconds to dial a phone. It's not a new concept. Why are ATMs so hard for people to figure out? American citizens, you are a joke. Now back to our regularly scheduled rant.).

St. Louis, it's 2009. Everyone has debit cards. It's how people get money. You need money at a ballgame. And when you go to the game, you always run out of money because everything costs so much, so you need to go get more money.

So how do you only have 6 ATMs in the entire stadium?

I know why. It's because...

St. Louis, you are a joke.

How to Turn Right At An Intersection

Again, I keep coming back to simple concepts.

Today's lecture is how to turn right at an intersection. This is different than my rant on "No Right Turn On Red", as today we're talking about how to turn right when it is legal, even at red lights.

Here's the trick - turn into the most immediate lane. Not only is it what you're supposed to do legally, but it will actually give you more opportunities to turn. This mostly comes from my frustrations with people not turning right on red at Delmar from Kingsland. They sit there and wait, and wait, and wait for either the light to turn green, or for there to be zero traffic. BUT, if they simply turned into the most immediate lane, they wouldn't have the problem, because the traffic on Delmar is forced to stay in the left lane, as the far right lane doesn't start until after Kingsland. This may not make any sense as I'm describing it, but believe me, it makes a ton of sense when you're at the intersection.

And it's not just at red lights.

Say you're turning right onto Big Bend from a side street (let's use Hiawatha as an example). You don't have to wait for both lanes to be clear to turn right. If there are cars coming and they are in the left lane, but the right lane is open, you can turn directly into the right lane. I promise you it's OK. But for some reason drivers around here don't seem to believe it, as they sit there waiting, petrified, hoping that all traffic goes away before turning right.

St. Louis (drivers), you are a joke.

Can 'o Corn

Here's a true story:

I'm at a ballgame at the old Busch (and from now on I'll only refer to the "old Busch" as "The Cougar" and the "new Busch" as "The Lolita") and a huge hulking of a man steps to the plate. It's Mark McGuire. He gets a pitch right where he likes it, and he swings for the fences. The ball just towers in the air, and the entire stadium instantly is on it's feet. I'm not kidding, every single person but me stood up. And I'm thinking, "what's the big deal?" And as the crowd roars and anticipates fireworks or a home run trot, the shortstop takes two steps back and catches it just off the infield. No joke. The entire stadium jumped up and cheered for a pop out to short. For "the world's greatest fans" they are TERRIBLE judges of distance.

Unfortunately The Lolita is still plagued with this problem. Every time a batter sends the ball in the air (especially Pujols) the stadium erupts, up on it's feet, assuming a home run. And it rarely is. And usually, it's not even close.

And keep in mind this is coming from a guy who stands at the plate, flips his bat, then Cadillac's to first every time he makes contact in a softball game, even when the ball has little to no chance of going out. So I know a thing or two about getting over-excited for no reason.

So let's settle down, St. Louis. It's a can o' corn, not a long duck dong. Real fans know the difference.

St. Louis (baseball fans), you are a joke.

My commute

I know you enjoy nothing more than reading about my miserable commute that the terrible planners are to blame for, so I thought I'd give you another quick update.

Claytonia has an underpass that is also open, so I was wrong when I said you had to go down to Skinker or up to Brentwood/I-170 (that's right, I'm man enough to admit I was wrong). Now, part of the street has been turned into a one-way to reduce traffic, which is stupid, but it's pretty easy to avoid that one block by going Big Bend to Wise to Claytonia.

My only real complaint is that when you hit Dale, you have a stop sign and cross-traffic does not, and it takes forever for divers to get across or turn. Especially panty-waste St. Louis drivers.

No Right Turn On Red

Really? I can't turn right on red? Are you serious?

I realize it's not like every intersection in St. Louis has a "No Turn On Red" sign, but there are way too many. I never really understood the whole "No Turn On Red" thing. Do you assume that, as a driver, we can't handle the responsibility? Is it a blind road or something, where you can't see the cars coming over the hill? Are people just sleeping in the crosswalk that I have to watch out for? Really, what's the reason.

See, I don't get it in St. Louis because A) there isn't that much traffic, and B) the speed limits are so slow that there really isn't a danger to turning right on red.

So really, what's the reason? Are there a couple places where you can't see on-coming traffic? Yeah, I'll give you those. But mostly that isn't the case.

So here is what I'm assuming - St. Louis recognizes that their drivers are terrible at driving, so they are just trying to do them a favor by simplifying the whole experience. How do I know this? Because even when it IS legal to turn right on red St. Louis drivers won't do it, terrified of what might happen. And it is really frustrating. Luckily cops are usually busy pulling people over for going 5 mph above the limit, so they don't notice me turning right on red.

But, that doesn't change the fact that...

St. Louis (drivers), you are a joke.

How to turn left at a traffic light

OK, here's another concept that I thought was pretty simple to comprehend, yet somehow cripples the drivers of St. Louis every time they come to a traffic light. It's the everyday task of turning left.

See? I told you it sounded easy. But I assure you the drivers of this town make it as difficult as possible.

Here's what happens: a car pulls up to a light with the intention of turning left, and they stop right at the line, waiting for a chance to turn as on-coming traffic makes its way through the intersection. And as traffic keeps coming, they just sit there. By this time a couple more cars pull up and wait behind the aforementioned car. Now, traffic is pretty heavy, and there hasn't been a chance to turn, so the car just continues to sit there, right at that line. And then the light turns yellow, and they sit there. And then it turns red, and now they have no chance of turning, so they miss the light. And this happens all the time. And it's the worst at intersections where there is a turn arrow, but it's not a "Left Turn on Arrow Only" kind of arrow. Because the idiot drivers here think, "I should probably just wait for the arrow. That seems like the safe, smart thing to do." Guess what? It's not.

And most of you are probably reading this thinking, "OK, sounds like that car did the right thing. What's the deal?"

Well, here's the deal. That car needs to pull into the intersection. I know, I know, it sounds scary and crazy. But I swear to you, it is not. You pull into the intersection so that if you happen to get a break in traffic you can quickly turn left. And if you don't get that break? Well, you're already in the intersection, so when the light turns yellow, or even red, and on-coming traffic has to come to a stop, you can turn left. And it's legal, because again, you're already in the intersection. And, executed properly, you can actually get two cars through the turn, assuming the second car is aggressive and paying attention.

See, what happens is drivers are just timid and scared and praying to god they get an arrow, because otherwise the whole process terrifies them. But it shouldn't be scary. It's simple. It's turning left. It's not complicated.

Unless, of course, you learned to drive in St. Louis.

St. Louis (drivers), you are a joke.

The hits just keep on comin'

Remember last week when I talked about how they made Boland one way, so you couldn't go south on it when coming from Clayton Rd? And how you now had to go down to Highland to get over Hwy 40? Well, guess what? That's right, they made Highland a one way as well. Unbelievable. I honestly have nothing left to add.


St. Louis, you are a joke.

St. Louis Hates Its Citizens

Let me get this straight, St. Louis. You close HWY 40, the one major road that runs through the middle of the city, connecting the abandoned downtown and West County, where everyone seems to now live. Again, a major highway. Possibly the easiest way to get around the city. And you close it. For two years (maybe more). Would any other city do this? But you're not a real city, so I guess that question is pointless.

But you didn't stop there. Apparently you thought, "Hmmm, the mediocre people of St. Louis seem to be adapting OK to the closure. What else can we do to antagonize them? Oh, I got it, let's close Big Bend AND Hanley. Yeah, that's it. The two major veins that connect Clayton/UCity with Webster, Maplewood, etc... That's sure to drive people nuts."

Congrats. You succeeded.

But that's not what I'm writing about. I'm here to talk about how you somehow had the balls to take it one step further.

See, for the last couple of weeks a poor sap like me who lives in Webster and works in the Loop didn't have a whole lot of options left. My two defaults were always Hanley and Big Bend. But they're both closed. OK, so I have to find a new way. Fine, I won't be a baby about it. Well, Brentwood/I-170 is a nightmare, so instead I've been taking either Hanley to Dale to Laclede Station to Boland to Clayton to Big Bend to work. OR, Big Bend to Dale to Highland to Wise to Big Bend to work. Well, option two got me a ticket last week because for some reason the speed limit is 15 and 20 (depending on the street) when you go that way. Again, fuck you St. Louis. Those speed limits are embarrassing.

So the other day I decided to use option 1 on the way home. Guess what? They turned Boland into a ONE WAY STREET!!! That's right, so you can't access it coming from the North. So now you are forced to either go down Big Bend and take option 2, go all the way to Brentwood, which is miserable, or you can go Big Bend and a bunch of backstreets to try and work your way over to Boland/Laclede Station.

Unreal. You HAVE to drive to get anywhere in this sprawling suburb, yet the city is doing everything in its power to make driving impossible and miserable.

St. Louis, you are a joke.

Stop Signs - So Confusing!

OK, I'm gonna make this as simple as possible. It's called a stop sign. They're red and have 8 sides. They're not scary. They're pretty simple actually. Although St. Louis drivers seem to disagree. Here are the basics:

TWO CARS, ONE SIGN
If you come to a stop at the same time another car does, the car on the right has the right of way. Pretty simple. If you're across from the other party, you can actually proceed at the same time. Honestly. I'm not kidding. Now, if you're across from the other party, and one of you is turning, here's a little trick - the person going straight goes (wait for it) straight. The car turning can actually slowly proceed at the same time, and turn behind the other car as it passes. It's really not that scary. I try this every time, and the other car gets scared and freezes and just lets me proceed. I'd like to see an entire website and classes dedicated to teaching St. Louis drivers this concept.

FOUR CARS, ONE SIGN
I don't even have the energy to explain this, but it goes something like this: Two cars can go at once (seriously). But how, you ask? Simple, the two cars across from each other go at the same time, and when they're done, the other two cars can go. Yet somehow when four (or even three) cars get to the stop sign at the same time, everyone proceeds one at a time. I brought this up with a co-worker and she said, "But that's how you're supposed to do it, one at a time." No shit. She said this. This is what St. Louis teaches people.

To recap: stop signs aren't scary. Cars opposite from each other can go at the same time. You don't have to go one at a time. Car on the right has the right of way. Are we clear? Please stop staring at each other in the most confused manner every time you pull up to the stop sign. You're embarrassing yourself.

St. Louis (drivers), you are a joke.

OMG! It's raining!

Why is it that no matter how little or how much it rains it paralyzes the drivers in this city. It's just rain, people. The roads aren't frozen over. You're not driving on an ice-rink. If you're worried about skidding when you brake, try pumping your brakes (although with anti-lock brakes that every car has nowadays, this isn't even necessary). But driving at a snails pace isn't the answer. Can't see? Use your wipers.

i really don't get it. Rain is nothing new. It's been around since the beginning of time (or at least the last couple hundred years), yet every time it even sprinkles here people act like they've never seen precipitation before. I don't get it. I'm not saying you have to drive 40 in a 35 (god forbid), but you can at least drive 35. But when you drive 30, or even 25 in a 35 (for example), it's too much to take. Just get off the road.

And believe me, I realize you're not in a hurry because there's nothing worth hurrying to in this town, but I'd appreciate it if you'd at least try to learn to drive in the rain. I'm not asking for much here.

St. Louis (drivers), you are a joke.

Smoke 'em if you got 'em

You know what I love about going out in St. Louis? Smelling like a goddamn ashtray afterwards. It's awesome. I love how my discarded clothes then fill up my laundry room with the smell of smoke as well.

You know what the only other major city that allows smoking in bars and restaurants is? Detroit. Yes, that Detroit. So congratulations St. Louis, you're on par with Detroit (nothing against the fine people of Detroit, of course).

How the hell can this sprawling suburb continue to allow people to smoke in bars and restaurants when the health risks have been proven over and over again? Not to mention the risks to my wardrobe. And from the looks of it, the laws aren't going to change any time soon. In fact, I'm gonna guess that St. Louis is the last city to pass the law. And knowing St. Louis, they'll take pride in it. And that's why...

St. Louis, you are a joke.

But on the bright side Forbes magazine did name St. Louis the "best city for smokers". So you've got that going for you.

Speeding Ticket

Let me get this straight - this sprawling suburb shut down a HIGHWAY AND TWO MAIN ARTERIES (big bend and hanley) all at the same time? Really? Someone thought that was a good idea? Now the only way to get from Webster Groves to U City is to either take Brentwood to 170 (too much traffic and out of the way), or 44 to Skinker/McCausland (too far out of the way), or you can do what I do, which is take Big Bend, then take the side streets over 40. Makes sense, right? Except that the side streets have a speed limit of either 15 or 20, depending which ones you're on.

Apparently the streets of St. Louis are equivalent to alleys in other cities.

When pulled over the cop told me, "I pulled you over for speeding. A lot of people live here so we're cracking down with the increased traffic." People live on the street? No? Oh, they live in houses and walk on sidewalks, not the street. So what's the problem? "Well, people are having a hard time pulling out of their driveways because of the speeding." Um, are people in this small town fucking retarded (and comparing people from St. Louis to the mentally handicapped is an insult to the mentally handicapped)? Really, they can't pull out of their driveway? "Well, it's all the traffic." We both look up and down the street - not one car is in sight. In fact, in the 12 minutes I was pulled over only one car drove by.

Today, Saint Louis Is a Joke because they close down THREE major roads (one a highway), forcing people to get creative how they maneuver around it, then pull people over for going 10 miles over a 15 MILE PER HOUR SPEED LIMIT! Seriously, people on bikes go over 15 MPH.

Saint Louis, you are a joke.

I hate this city

Welcome to S. Louis Is A Joke. This blog is my way of venting how much I hate living in this godforsaken city. And before you say "so move", it's not that easy. I moved here a year ago with my wife and kid so she could be closer to her family, so I'm kinda stuck here for a the time being. So rather than internalize all of my frustrations, I've decided to vent on the web.

I hope you enjoy. Unless you love St. Louis. Then I hope you suck it.