Wednesday, July 29, 2009

What high school did you go to?

I went to Go Fuck Yourself High.

That's the response I want to give to every single native St. Louisan who asks me this question.

Should I be that annoyed by the question? Probably not. But I am. And I think it's for two reasons:

1) St. Louisans take a ton of pride in asking and answering the question, like it's what makes St. Louis "unique". Like asking and answering the question is some secret handshake. Guess what? I don't want to learn the handshake. Nobody does. Except for you douche bags, of course.

2) Basically when you're asking the question all you're really asking is, "How rich are you and your family?"

See, in most cities when you meet someone new the conversation goes something like this:

A: Hey, I'm A. Nice to meet you.
B: I'm B. Nice to meet you.
A: You from around here?
B: Yeah, I grew up in Suburb X/Part of City Y.
A: No kidding? I grew up in Suburb Z/Part of City W.
B: That's cool.

And that's pretty much it. But here the conversation goes something like this:

A: Hey, I'm A. Nice to meet you.
B: I'm B. Nice to meet you.
A: Where did you go to high school?
B: I went to High School X.
A: I went to High School Y.

Then they stand there judging each other.

Why do they ask the question? No one really seems to have much of an answer for that, so this is my best guess:

A lot of people here seem to go to private school. So the question is really, "Could your family afford to send you to private school? And if so, how much of a private school were they able to afford?" Really the question is a status thing. You're trying to find out either a) you could afford a private school, and thus your family probably has money, or b) you went to public school (poor) but now I'll know what part of the city you grew up in so I'll know just how poor you are (in theory).

That's my best guess. Every time I ask someone here why they ask the question they just kind of hem and haw and say "It's a St. Louis thing." I think they do this because they are embarrassed of the real answer, which is, "We're a very segregated city, both by race and class. We know what race you are by looking at you (unless you're Asian, in which case we just assume you're Chinese), so the high school question helps us figure out what social class you are."

And yes, I understand to some extent that in other cities when you ask a question like "what part of the city are you from" you use that information to start filling in some holes and making judgements about people, but the "high school" question seems more blatant, and thus, more annoying. I think with the "part of town" question you tend to make less assumptions, and less judgements, because the answer doesn't really tell you much other than what part of town you grew up in.

Maybe I'm wrong about the whole "high school" thing. I'd love someone to give me a halfway decent explanation.


But until I get one,

St. Louis, You Are a Joke

Monday, July 20, 2009

Choo Choo

You know, a lot of cities have tons of stuff to distract your kid so you can check your text messages and emails on your phone. Zoos, children museums, aquariums, parks and playgrounds, you get the idea. But today I took my son to a whole new level of distraction and amazement: The Transportation Museum.

To call it The Transportation Museum is a bit misleading, as it only has a couple cars, no real trucks, and only two planes and boat that I could find. So it's not so much a Transportation Museum as it is a Train Museum.

And you know what? I'm OK with that. Because there are a lot of them. Enough that my zero-attention span son and I walked around for over an hour and were entertained the entire time. Nothing entertains a two-year-old boy like huge train engines.

So thank you, Transportation Museum, for making my day a little easier.

St. Louis, You Are A Joke (except when it comes to The Transportation Museum)

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Lookin' Good, St. Louis

I was driving around this past week, and I noticed something. I really like the architecture of St. Louis. And I'm not talking about all the amazing, jaw-dropping skyscrapers downtown (obviously), I'm talking about the houses. The residential living. The places where the people of St. Louis hang up their coats after a long day.

There are so many different styles of architecture throughout the city that it's almost like a mini-timeline of St. Louis. You've got Soulard with it's French Quarter style (if that's even a style), South City with it's little bungalows, Webster with it's turn-of-the-century prairie and victorian homes, U City with it's classic brick structures, the CWE with it's mansions, plus areas like Benton Park and Tower Grove that have a unique style of their own.

Again, I realize this probably sounds extremely gay (not that there's anything wrong with that), but there's something about all the different styles around the city that I really do appreciate.

St. Louis, you are a joke (except when it comes to the different styles of architecture for homes throughout the city).



(NOTE: I know nothing about architecture, so take everything I say here with a grain of salt, as I probably sound like an idiot, but so be it).

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Your Pizza Sucks

Sorry to break it to you, but your pizza is terrible. And yes, I'm specifically talking about "St. Louis Style" Pizza.

There are no redeeming qualities about it, other than the fact that you can eat like 6 largess and not get filled up. Actually, what am I saying, that's not a good thing either. I'm all for eating a large pizza to get stuffed, but I shouldn't have to eat six of them to get stuffed.

So St. Louis Style pizza has no redeeming qualities.

It's too thin, and provel sucks. And I mean sucks.

And I get it, most of you grew up here, and you're proud of and support anything "st. louis style". New York people are the same way. Chicago people are the same way. In fact, all people from all places are the same way. They support their town and the things from it. But let's be clear, your pizza is not good, and quite frankly, not really worth supporting.

Whenever someone says, "I like/love St. Louis Style pizza", I always want them to do a blind taste test of different styles of pizza, just to prove that St. Louis style would be like the 5th favorite out of 5.

So, in conclusion: I'm glad you guys have something unique to St. Louis, and I'm glad you're proud of it. But mostly I'm glad it sucks and you're proud of it, because that's pretty much par for the course here.

St. Louis (pizza), you are a joke.

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Double D's and Double Downs

I actually thought of something else I happen to enjoy about St. Louis (though my wife would disagree on this topic): The Boats and Booby Joints.

It's nice having Casinos that are easy to get to, so whenever I get a burr in my side, or extra bills in my pocket, I can go and satisfy my gambling fix. It's one of those things that doesn't happen that often (depending what your definition of "often" is), but I appreciate the fact that I can do it whenever needed. And a couple of the casinos are even decently nice, so you don't feel as bad when you go.

And the fact that you can drive across the river and see women who hate clothes is just an added bonus.

St. Louis, You Are A Joke (Except when it comes to questionable morales. They are right on par with my questionable morales. And I like that.)

Thursday, July 9, 2009

FoPo

I was a journalism major in college, and I'm pretty sure I was awake at some point during one of my classes, and if I remember correctly some old guy said something about "fair and balanced" reporting. Well, I'm no reporter. But, I still feel like I should make somewhat of an effort to point out a few of the good things about St. Louis.

So I'm going to do just that. I'm sure they won't happen very often (I put the over/under at 5), but this way you'll know I'm not just a 100% bitter dbag who just hates on St. Louis. I'm a 98% bitter dbag who just mostly hates on St. Louis.

Anywho, one of the things I do love about St. Louis is Forest Park. It's a huge park (second biggest in the country next to Central Park) with a ton to do. Golf, biking, running, the Zoo (which my son can't get enough of), the art museum (never been), history museum (never been), and apparently the motor of the original Ferris Wheel buried somewhere in the park. And the restoration they did a couple years ago to most of the park really did revitalize it. It is a truly beautiful park that I never get tired of and always enjoy spending time at. A lot of cities don't have anything like Forest Park, and if they do it doesn't quite compare (I'm looking at you Lincoln Park and Grant Park in Chicago (though playing 16" softball in Grant Park with the city in the background is pretty amazing)), so you really should be proud of it.

So there you go, I like Forest Park and I'm man enough to admit it.

St. Louis, You Are A Joke (just not when it comes to Forest Park)

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Ballpark Village

I don't actually have to say anything more than that. It's all been said before.

St. Louis, You Are A Joke

Monday, July 6, 2009

In Honor of Joey Chestnut

I noticed something last weekend when I went to the Cards game at The Lolita. It's something I hadn't ever noticed before in the games I've attended. I even asked several real fans who either attend several games a year or have season tickets to confirm whether or not my observation was true. And by all accounts, it is.

There are no hot dog vendors at The Lolita. And when I say "vendor" I mean the guys who walk around and bring stuff to you, not that stands in the concourse.

How is this possible? Am I just sitting in all the wrong sections? Hot dogs are what ballgames are all about, and the fact that I have to leave my seat to get one is ridiculous. Going to a game means sitting in your seat, cheering on your team (or the other team, in my case), and buying beer and hot dogs from the vendors walking around. But in St. Louis you can't do that.

And you call yourself a baseball town.

St. Louis, You Are A Joke