The Lolita ATMs

How do you build a brand new, "state-of-the-art" stadium in this day and age and only have 6 ATMs in the entire joint? I don't get it. You're at a ballgame. Everything there costs money. Yet there are only 6 locations where you can actually obtain this money.

And I know what you're going to say: "Hey dummy, you can use your ATM card at the vendor stands." True, but the problem is I don't want to have to walk away from my seat and go out to the concourse to get a beer or hot dog or ice cream sandwich. The Beer Guy doesn't take an ATM card, he takes cash.

I was at the game on Saturday and had to walk past 17 sections to get to the nearest ATM. And because it's one of only three on the main concourse I had to wait in an abysmal line, watching people stumble and fumble their way through the ATM process. (Quick tangent: ATMs have been around forever. How do they still confuse and baffle people? Honestly, people take 2-3 minutes for something that should take no more than 60 seconds. And it's like that everywhere. It really amazes me. It's like if people took 90 seconds to dial a phone. It's not a new concept. Why are ATMs so hard for people to figure out? American citizens, you are a joke. Now back to our regularly scheduled rant.).

St. Louis, it's 2009. Everyone has debit cards. It's how people get money. You need money at a ballgame. And when you go to the game, you always run out of money because everything costs so much, so you need to go get more money.

So how do you only have 6 ATMs in the entire stadium?

I know why. It's because...

St. Louis, you are a joke.

How to Turn Right At An Intersection

Again, I keep coming back to simple concepts.

Today's lecture is how to turn right at an intersection. This is different than my rant on "No Right Turn On Red", as today we're talking about how to turn right when it is legal, even at red lights.

Here's the trick - turn into the most immediate lane. Not only is it what you're supposed to do legally, but it will actually give you more opportunities to turn. This mostly comes from my frustrations with people not turning right on red at Delmar from Kingsland. They sit there and wait, and wait, and wait for either the light to turn green, or for there to be zero traffic. BUT, if they simply turned into the most immediate lane, they wouldn't have the problem, because the traffic on Delmar is forced to stay in the left lane, as the far right lane doesn't start until after Kingsland. This may not make any sense as I'm describing it, but believe me, it makes a ton of sense when you're at the intersection.

And it's not just at red lights.

Say you're turning right onto Big Bend from a side street (let's use Hiawatha as an example). You don't have to wait for both lanes to be clear to turn right. If there are cars coming and they are in the left lane, but the right lane is open, you can turn directly into the right lane. I promise you it's OK. But for some reason drivers around here don't seem to believe it, as they sit there waiting, petrified, hoping that all traffic goes away before turning right.

St. Louis (drivers), you are a joke.

Can 'o Corn

Here's a true story:

I'm at a ballgame at the old Busch (and from now on I'll only refer to the "old Busch" as "The Cougar" and the "new Busch" as "The Lolita") and a huge hulking of a man steps to the plate. It's Mark McGuire. He gets a pitch right where he likes it, and he swings for the fences. The ball just towers in the air, and the entire stadium instantly is on it's feet. I'm not kidding, every single person but me stood up. And I'm thinking, "what's the big deal?" And as the crowd roars and anticipates fireworks or a home run trot, the shortstop takes two steps back and catches it just off the infield. No joke. The entire stadium jumped up and cheered for a pop out to short. For "the world's greatest fans" they are TERRIBLE judges of distance.

Unfortunately The Lolita is still plagued with this problem. Every time a batter sends the ball in the air (especially Pujols) the stadium erupts, up on it's feet, assuming a home run. And it rarely is. And usually, it's not even close.

And keep in mind this is coming from a guy who stands at the plate, flips his bat, then Cadillac's to first every time he makes contact in a softball game, even when the ball has little to no chance of going out. So I know a thing or two about getting over-excited for no reason.

So let's settle down, St. Louis. It's a can o' corn, not a long duck dong. Real fans know the difference.

St. Louis (baseball fans), you are a joke.

My commute

I know you enjoy nothing more than reading about my miserable commute that the terrible planners are to blame for, so I thought I'd give you another quick update.

Claytonia has an underpass that is also open, so I was wrong when I said you had to go down to Skinker or up to Brentwood/I-170 (that's right, I'm man enough to admit I was wrong). Now, part of the street has been turned into a one-way to reduce traffic, which is stupid, but it's pretty easy to avoid that one block by going Big Bend to Wise to Claytonia.

My only real complaint is that when you hit Dale, you have a stop sign and cross-traffic does not, and it takes forever for divers to get across or turn. Especially panty-waste St. Louis drivers.

No Right Turn On Red

Really? I can't turn right on red? Are you serious?

I realize it's not like every intersection in St. Louis has a "No Turn On Red" sign, but there are way too many. I never really understood the whole "No Turn On Red" thing. Do you assume that, as a driver, we can't handle the responsibility? Is it a blind road or something, where you can't see the cars coming over the hill? Are people just sleeping in the crosswalk that I have to watch out for? Really, what's the reason.

See, I don't get it in St. Louis because A) there isn't that much traffic, and B) the speed limits are so slow that there really isn't a danger to turning right on red.

So really, what's the reason? Are there a couple places where you can't see on-coming traffic? Yeah, I'll give you those. But mostly that isn't the case.

So here is what I'm assuming - St. Louis recognizes that their drivers are terrible at driving, so they are just trying to do them a favor by simplifying the whole experience. How do I know this? Because even when it IS legal to turn right on red St. Louis drivers won't do it, terrified of what might happen. And it is really frustrating. Luckily cops are usually busy pulling people over for going 5 mph above the limit, so they don't notice me turning right on red.

But, that doesn't change the fact that...

St. Louis (drivers), you are a joke.

How to turn left at a traffic light

OK, here's another concept that I thought was pretty simple to comprehend, yet somehow cripples the drivers of St. Louis every time they come to a traffic light. It's the everyday task of turning left.

See? I told you it sounded easy. But I assure you the drivers of this town make it as difficult as possible.

Here's what happens: a car pulls up to a light with the intention of turning left, and they stop right at the line, waiting for a chance to turn as on-coming traffic makes its way through the intersection. And as traffic keeps coming, they just sit there. By this time a couple more cars pull up and wait behind the aforementioned car. Now, traffic is pretty heavy, and there hasn't been a chance to turn, so the car just continues to sit there, right at that line. And then the light turns yellow, and they sit there. And then it turns red, and now they have no chance of turning, so they miss the light. And this happens all the time. And it's the worst at intersections where there is a turn arrow, but it's not a "Left Turn on Arrow Only" kind of arrow. Because the idiot drivers here think, "I should probably just wait for the arrow. That seems like the safe, smart thing to do." Guess what? It's not.

And most of you are probably reading this thinking, "OK, sounds like that car did the right thing. What's the deal?"

Well, here's the deal. That car needs to pull into the intersection. I know, I know, it sounds scary and crazy. But I swear to you, it is not. You pull into the intersection so that if you happen to get a break in traffic you can quickly turn left. And if you don't get that break? Well, you're already in the intersection, so when the light turns yellow, or even red, and on-coming traffic has to come to a stop, you can turn left. And it's legal, because again, you're already in the intersection. And, executed properly, you can actually get two cars through the turn, assuming the second car is aggressive and paying attention.

See, what happens is drivers are just timid and scared and praying to god they get an arrow, because otherwise the whole process terrifies them. But it shouldn't be scary. It's simple. It's turning left. It's not complicated.

Unless, of course, you learned to drive in St. Louis.

St. Louis (drivers), you are a joke.

The hits just keep on comin'

Remember last week when I talked about how they made Boland one way, so you couldn't go south on it when coming from Clayton Rd? And how you now had to go down to Highland to get over Hwy 40? Well, guess what? That's right, they made Highland a one way as well. Unbelievable. I honestly have nothing left to add.


St. Louis, you are a joke.

St. Louis Hates Its Citizens

Let me get this straight, St. Louis. You close HWY 40, the one major road that runs through the middle of the city, connecting the abandoned downtown and West County, where everyone seems to now live. Again, a major highway. Possibly the easiest way to get around the city. And you close it. For two years (maybe more). Would any other city do this? But you're not a real city, so I guess that question is pointless.

But you didn't stop there. Apparently you thought, "Hmmm, the mediocre people of St. Louis seem to be adapting OK to the closure. What else can we do to antagonize them? Oh, I got it, let's close Big Bend AND Hanley. Yeah, that's it. The two major veins that connect Clayton/UCity with Webster, Maplewood, etc... That's sure to drive people nuts."

Congrats. You succeeded.

But that's not what I'm writing about. I'm here to talk about how you somehow had the balls to take it one step further.

See, for the last couple of weeks a poor sap like me who lives in Webster and works in the Loop didn't have a whole lot of options left. My two defaults were always Hanley and Big Bend. But they're both closed. OK, so I have to find a new way. Fine, I won't be a baby about it. Well, Brentwood/I-170 is a nightmare, so instead I've been taking either Hanley to Dale to Laclede Station to Boland to Clayton to Big Bend to work. OR, Big Bend to Dale to Highland to Wise to Big Bend to work. Well, option two got me a ticket last week because for some reason the speed limit is 15 and 20 (depending on the street) when you go that way. Again, fuck you St. Louis. Those speed limits are embarrassing.

So the other day I decided to use option 1 on the way home. Guess what? They turned Boland into a ONE WAY STREET!!! That's right, so you can't access it coming from the North. So now you are forced to either go down Big Bend and take option 2, go all the way to Brentwood, which is miserable, or you can go Big Bend and a bunch of backstreets to try and work your way over to Boland/Laclede Station.

Unreal. You HAVE to drive to get anywhere in this sprawling suburb, yet the city is doing everything in its power to make driving impossible and miserable.

St. Louis, you are a joke.

Stop Signs - So Confusing!

OK, I'm gonna make this as simple as possible. It's called a stop sign. They're red and have 8 sides. They're not scary. They're pretty simple actually. Although St. Louis drivers seem to disagree. Here are the basics:

TWO CARS, ONE SIGN
If you come to a stop at the same time another car does, the car on the right has the right of way. Pretty simple. If you're across from the other party, you can actually proceed at the same time. Honestly. I'm not kidding. Now, if you're across from the other party, and one of you is turning, here's a little trick - the person going straight goes (wait for it) straight. The car turning can actually slowly proceed at the same time, and turn behind the other car as it passes. It's really not that scary. I try this every time, and the other car gets scared and freezes and just lets me proceed. I'd like to see an entire website and classes dedicated to teaching St. Louis drivers this concept.

FOUR CARS, ONE SIGN
I don't even have the energy to explain this, but it goes something like this: Two cars can go at once (seriously). But how, you ask? Simple, the two cars across from each other go at the same time, and when they're done, the other two cars can go. Yet somehow when four (or even three) cars get to the stop sign at the same time, everyone proceeds one at a time. I brought this up with a co-worker and she said, "But that's how you're supposed to do it, one at a time." No shit. She said this. This is what St. Louis teaches people.

To recap: stop signs aren't scary. Cars opposite from each other can go at the same time. You don't have to go one at a time. Car on the right has the right of way. Are we clear? Please stop staring at each other in the most confused manner every time you pull up to the stop sign. You're embarrassing yourself.

St. Louis (drivers), you are a joke.

OMG! It's raining!

Why is it that no matter how little or how much it rains it paralyzes the drivers in this city. It's just rain, people. The roads aren't frozen over. You're not driving on an ice-rink. If you're worried about skidding when you brake, try pumping your brakes (although with anti-lock brakes that every car has nowadays, this isn't even necessary). But driving at a snails pace isn't the answer. Can't see? Use your wipers.

i really don't get it. Rain is nothing new. It's been around since the beginning of time (or at least the last couple hundred years), yet every time it even sprinkles here people act like they've never seen precipitation before. I don't get it. I'm not saying you have to drive 40 in a 35 (god forbid), but you can at least drive 35. But when you drive 30, or even 25 in a 35 (for example), it's too much to take. Just get off the road.

And believe me, I realize you're not in a hurry because there's nothing worth hurrying to in this town, but I'd appreciate it if you'd at least try to learn to drive in the rain. I'm not asking for much here.

St. Louis (drivers), you are a joke.

Smoke 'em if you got 'em

You know what I love about going out in St. Louis? Smelling like a goddamn ashtray afterwards. It's awesome. I love how my discarded clothes then fill up my laundry room with the smell of smoke as well.

You know what the only other major city that allows smoking in bars and restaurants is? Detroit. Yes, that Detroit. So congratulations St. Louis, you're on par with Detroit (nothing against the fine people of Detroit, of course).

How the hell can this sprawling suburb continue to allow people to smoke in bars and restaurants when the health risks have been proven over and over again? Not to mention the risks to my wardrobe. And from the looks of it, the laws aren't going to change any time soon. In fact, I'm gonna guess that St. Louis is the last city to pass the law. And knowing St. Louis, they'll take pride in it. And that's why...

St. Louis, you are a joke.

But on the bright side Forbes magazine did name St. Louis the "best city for smokers". So you've got that going for you.

Speeding Ticket

Let me get this straight - this sprawling suburb shut down a HIGHWAY AND TWO MAIN ARTERIES (big bend and hanley) all at the same time? Really? Someone thought that was a good idea? Now the only way to get from Webster Groves to U City is to either take Brentwood to 170 (too much traffic and out of the way), or 44 to Skinker/McCausland (too far out of the way), or you can do what I do, which is take Big Bend, then take the side streets over 40. Makes sense, right? Except that the side streets have a speed limit of either 15 or 20, depending which ones you're on.

Apparently the streets of St. Louis are equivalent to alleys in other cities.

When pulled over the cop told me, "I pulled you over for speeding. A lot of people live here so we're cracking down with the increased traffic." People live on the street? No? Oh, they live in houses and walk on sidewalks, not the street. So what's the problem? "Well, people are having a hard time pulling out of their driveways because of the speeding." Um, are people in this small town fucking retarded (and comparing people from St. Louis to the mentally handicapped is an insult to the mentally handicapped)? Really, they can't pull out of their driveway? "Well, it's all the traffic." We both look up and down the street - not one car is in sight. In fact, in the 12 minutes I was pulled over only one car drove by.

Today, Saint Louis Is a Joke because they close down THREE major roads (one a highway), forcing people to get creative how they maneuver around it, then pull people over for going 10 miles over a 15 MILE PER HOUR SPEED LIMIT! Seriously, people on bikes go over 15 MPH.

Saint Louis, you are a joke.

I hate this city

Welcome to S. Louis Is A Joke. This blog is my way of venting how much I hate living in this godforsaken city. And before you say "so move", it's not that easy. I moved here a year ago with my wife and kid so she could be closer to her family, so I'm kinda stuck here for a the time being. So rather than internalize all of my frustrations, I've decided to vent on the web.

I hope you enjoy. Unless you love St. Louis. Then I hope you suck it.